Thursday, July 31, 2008

Oh, yessssssssss.



Oh. Oh yes. Oh yes yes yes.

One more:


Yeah. April 10th, 2009. I am so fucking there. I have been waiting for this since I was 11. 2002, that's when Twentieth Century Fox acquired the rights to the story. That's when I first read about it on the Dragonball Z officially unofficial website and almost wet myself. Six long years. Delays, pauses, more delays, talk of canceling it, talk that the whole thing was a rumor, more delays, and then not too long ago....confirmation. Justin Chatwin would play Goku. James Marsters as Piccolo. Then it came together. I've been waiting so long.

And another, just because I can't contain myself.


This is going to be the greatest movie of all time.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Fortune(less) Cookies

Panda Express is divine. Orange chicken should be promoted to deity status, or at least given its own hour of worship on wednesdays. Why, you ask? Pure orange asian goodness. Sweet, tangy, crunchy, and juicy...the names of my gods. All served under a giant sign with a picture of a cute panda drinking from a straw to boot.
Just one problem. No, not the water cups that make my Mountain Dew look like piss. No, not the extra powerful soap in the men's room. It's the fortune cookies. Don't get me wrong, I love the cookies themselves, they're delicious. It's the insides.
Fortune cookies. Let's disassemble the term to better understand it.
Part 1: fortune
for·tune [fawr-chuhn] n.
6.fate; lot; destiny: whatever my fortune may be.
7.(initial capital letter) chance personified, commonly regarded as a mythical being distributing arbitrarily or capriciously the lots of life: Perhaps Fortune will smile on our venture.
2: cookie
cook·ie [kook-ee] n.
1.a small cake made from stiff, sweet dough rolled and sliced or dropped by spoonfuls on a large, flat pan (cookie sheet) and baked.
2.Informal. dear; sweetheart (a term of address, usually connoting affection).

Ok. So we've deduced that it takes both parts to be a fortune cookie. We'll do this backwards to emphasize the point. It's a cookie. Sure, it's not a traditional round dude, but it's still sweet doughy stuff that gets baked. Hell, I don't know what it is, ask Asia. Now the fortune bit. A lot of the time, I can't complain. I'll get one that says "Your dreams will come true when you least expect them" and it'll be just fine. A bit vague, but hey, it's a little slip of paper enclosed within a delicious vessel of consumptionitude. I'm not asking for the next War and Peace. (Editor's Note: I personally hate that fortune, because now that I know my dreams aren't going to come true until I don't expect them, I'm always gonna be expecting them, contradicting their my dreams' arrival conditions.)
But what gets me is when they ship you a cookie that says "Your smile touches all around you" or something of that ilk. Touche, Panda, touche. How can I be mad that you stiffed me a fortune when you're so flattering? I just wanted to know what's in store for me. So Panda, it's your call. Fortunate the future.

This ends our discussion on Panda Express and the mighty empire of misnomers they shell out as after-meal snacks. Please come back again soon.

Friday, July 11, 2008

The Man With Three Eyes, Part 2

The sky dimmed as Prince Richard of Oligarth rode into from the setting sun. His heart heavy with guilt, the prince strained to keep his eyes on the horizon, for he knew too well what happened when the eyes and mind wandered in the Dark Valley of the Einos. The sun began to hang lower and lower in the sky, drawing harsh shadows that spilled across the floor, racing toward the valiant prince. Prince Richard's breath hastened; he felt the chill of the night creeping farther and farther down his spine. He spurred his horse to a full gallop, racing to catch the feigning sunlight. Fearing he would not reach it in time, the prince again spurred his horse, but the mighty steed, unable to move any faster, stumbled and fell. Prince Richard toppled to the ground, realizing the danger he was soon to encounter.
"Curses! Curse it all! My horse must lose at a time like this?! And I have not the strength to remain in these shadows for very long! Oh gods, why must it be?!"
The prince slowly rose to his feet and walked to his horse's side. With a mighty blow he knocked the whinnying beast unconscious before slitting its throat. "Sleep well, my faithful steed. I have no wish for these foul creatures to deface thy honor." With these words he grabbed a handful of earth and spread it over the mighty creature's body.
The prince turned from his fallen beast and turned to catch the last dying rays of sunlight as they sank beneath the horizon. The shadows grew deeper by the second. He turned to face the shadows. Gripping his sword tightly, the valiant prince tried to forget every story he'd ever heard about the Einos. Suddenly, the shadows took form. The swift movement of black on black met Richard's eyes as he braced himself for battle.
He dug his heels into the dirt as the closest of the shadows lunged toward him. With one fell swing he destroyed the creature, turning his blade to meet the next of his mysterious foes. He carved a swath through the shadows, clearing a small avenue to the exit of the canyon. Richard made his move towards the exit, only to meet the fearsome master of the canyon, Irknes of the Dark Valley. The dark master ferociously eyed the prince, its tongue wet with the anticipation of a fresh meal.
Prince Richard's eyes met with the dark master and he became alight with fear. It soon passed, however, as he recalled his father's words. The prince squared himself to his new foe, ignoring the petty shadowlings as they fell to the wayside.
The dark master reeled upon seeing his foe prepare himself for battle. It had been aeons since he met a foe so brave...or so foolish. To the master of the Dark Valley, however, it mattered not, as he was already savoring the taste of the meal to come.
"Why have you come to my lair?" he snarled, baring teeth that had spilled the blood of centuries of wayward travelers. "Thy presence only bodes well for my appetite, young fool! I shall savor the flesh on your bones."
"I think not, foul beast! This darkness you have long presided over shall soon face the light of justice! My blade shall taste of your evil deeds as they bleed from your black chest!"
"Thy tongue is as swift as thy blade, young one," the dark master remarked. "But now we shall see which is the heavier! Have at you!"
...
to be continued...

The Man With Three Eyes, part 1.

"Steady thy hand, my prince!"
The words echoed across the canyon and fell upon deaf ears. The prince paid no heed as he stared across the ground strewn with corpses.
"No, father, I shall not! Thy word is law but I cannot stand idly by! You must forgive me in time!" The prince seized his horse's reins and the steel-clad beast reared its mighty head. "I must, father! I cannot let Oligarth's noblest of warriors' sacrifice be in vain!" The prince's hand trembled as he reached to unsheathe his sword.
King John of Istar's voice thundered with the force of a dragon's fury as he lay one final warning before his son. "Richard of Istar, son of John, prince of the land of Oligarth, I say to thee now; stop this madness and drop thy weapon! To refuse is naught but treason! Prince or no prince, my word is law, and nobody is above the law! I say one final time: drop thy weapon!"
Prince Richard turned to face his father, hand on his sword's scabbard.
"My father," he began as he began to unsheathed his sword, "I have never gone against thy word, nor have I ever gone against the law, and you know my heart to be virtuous and true. But do you not see why I must fight? Orketh's evil forces have plagued our good people for far too long! If I let his evil slip away from my grasp this instance, I shall never allow myself to live in clear conscience again! And this," he pointed the sword skyward, "is why I must fight! Why we must all fight! Orketh's forces shall not return to ravage our kingdom ever again!"
King John stood pensively for moments that seemed like aeons to the good prince. Finally the King lifted his gaze to the stars.
"My son...if you believe so strongly that this is what you desire most...then I shall not stop you. And though you are still in defiance of my word, I shall pray that you return to me victorious, so that we may all share in the spoils of victory. May the grace of Aeshis and the fury of Dorias be behind your sword. Now go, my son, and bring glory to the kindgom of Oligarth!"
"Th-thank you, father. I shall not disappoint you, I promise thee!"
The king's gaze remained locked to the stars as Prince Richard rode onward to battle. The stars seemed to reflect the burning pride in King John's heart. His chest puffed proudly as he softly whispered, "May the gods be with you, my son."

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Best Of '08 - Midway Point

We're through half of the year, time for a quick round-up of the best of the best so far.
I think I'll split it up into a few categories.

BEST OF '08 (SEMESTER 1).
Best EP (because it's not fair to pit EPs against LPs)
The Black Noise Party Boys - Party All The Time
Jan. 18, 2008 - Holdfast Records

Fun, fast, hard, southern metalcore. No, not the Eddie Murphy song of the same name. Just a buncha rednecks making party music. Maylene, much? Who cares, all the songs are about parties!

Best Folk/Acoustic
City and Colour - Bring Me Your Love
Feb. 13, 2008 - Dine Alone Records

Singer/songwriter Dallas Green's second solo record, it's a beautiful look at the man's soul from the inside out. Dallas has a way of gently implanting his feelings into you with his voice, and this record is great to mellow out to and enjoy. The harmonica helps, too.

Best Hip-Hop
Atmosphere - When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold
Apr. 22, 2008 - Rhymesayers Entertainment

Slug and Ant do it again. Another Rhymesayers masterpiece. Not much else I can say, it's classic Atmosphere awesome, it's well written, the beats are tight and the message is still personal. boycott cocaine

Best Metal
Austrian Death Machine - Total Brutal AND Protest The Hero - Fortress
July 22, 2008 - Metal Blade Records / Jan. 29, 2008 - Vagrant Records/Underground Operations

Toss up. I can't really decide. ADM is pure laughter while still being amazingly proficient musically, while Fortress is a lyrical and instrumental tour-de-force through the high points of modern metal(-prog-tech-math-core). ADM has you laughing at Arnold one-liners in the breakdowns, while Fortress is just plain badass. I think Fortress takes it, but the pure laughter ADM provides keeps it in there.

Best Rock/Pop
Run Kid Run - Love At The Core
Apr. 29, 2008 - Tooth And Nail Records

This one really caught me off guard. I had downloaded it a while back and thought nothing much of it, but the other day I was looking for something new and I flicked them on. I was really impressed. The music is smart, inspiring, fast, and fun. Very strong the entire way through, never relenting or letting you down.

Best Indie
Alexander - White Flags And Silver Spoons Will Have To Sleep In Separate Rooms
Apr. 8, 2008 - The Militia Group

This is by far my favorite record so far. Deep, heartfelt lyrics and powerful musical arrangements mesh into a musical experience unrivaled this year. I was taken aback at how complex the music can be while still maintaining a very calming quality. It's fantastic all around, whether it's the synthy opening two, the jazzy, upbeat bass of "I'm Not Right," or the acoustics of some of the alter tracks, Ryan Alexander and his gang keep the record in ship shape. This is one act you don't want to miss.

Best Overall
Alexander - White Flags And Silver Spoons Have To Sleep In Separate Rooms


Honorable Mentions:
Genghis Tron - Board Up The House
Search/Rescue - The Compound
Kay Kay and his Weathered Underground - s/t
Lydia - Illuminate
Foxy Shazam - Introducing Foxy Shazam
Shai Hulud - Misanthropy Pure
Death Cab For Cutie - Narrow Stairs


Disappointments:
A Skylit Drive - Wires....And The Concept Of Breathing
May 20th, 2008 - Tragic Hero Records

Weezer - Weezer (The Red Album)
June 3, 2008 - Geffen Records

From First To Last - From First To Last
May 6, 2008 - Suretone/Interscope Records

Testament - The Formation Of Damnation
Apr. 29, 2008 - Nuclear Blast Records

Quick summary: I really expected more outta Weezer after hearing Pork and Beans. Guess not. A Skylit Drive, what happened? FFTL...I didn't really have high hopes but I had the smallest sliver of hope that they'd do something good without Sonny. Testament...just kinda fell flat. I was expecting a metal masterpiece, but they just...didn't deliver.

That's it for this half of the year, check back in like, December or something.
Peace.